It was always you
by Shonetta
Summary: JC PostEndgame Janeway and Chakotay have a heart to heart short story .


_Star Trek Voyager is the property of Paramount Pictures_

**It Was Always You **

Kathryn lay back against her couch and listened to the soothing music of Mozart. She rubbed her sore neck a moment and then let her stiff muscles relax. For what must have been the hundredth time that day, she thought of Chakotay. It had been almost a year since Voyager had returned from the Delta Quadrant, and over seven months had past since she had last seen him. But not a day had gone by that she had not thought about him, had not missed him. She opened her eyes and scanned her room for her padd. She wanted to read the letters he had sent her. She had kept every one he had sent since he had left with a group of archaeologists and planetologists to explore a newly discovered planet that had once been home to a thriving civilization. He was finally doing what he had always wanted to do, and she could tell from his letters that he was very happy. Her eyes caught the padd and she got up and went to pick it up. She sat down again, made herself comfortable, and began to read the letters. He told her of the excavations he was involved with, how much they were learning about the people that had once occupied the planet, and how interested his colleagues were in Voyager and the Delta Quadrant.

Kathryn was falling asleep on her couch when she heard the door chime. It was gone 21:00 hours and she was expecting no one. She cautiously went over to the door and inhaled sharply when she saw Chakotay's face on the security monitor. With trembling fingers she opened the door. Chakotay stood before her, wearing a black woolen coat and a brown bag under his arm.

He smiled his beautiful smile. "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd scrounge a free room for the night."

Kathryn laughed happily and embraced him, bag and all. "Regulation requires at least two."

Chakotay embraced her with his free arm and they held each other close until Kathryn drew away.

"Now, come in, come in. Take off your coat, put down that bag, and put your feet up. I'll make us both a coffee ... don't worry, decaffeinated."

Chakotay removed his coat, sat down, and looked around Kathryn's living room as she went through to the kitchen. It was a relaxing room with cream colored walls, a fawn couch with chairs to match, and a lush wine carpet. A simple, but elegant, glass effect coffee table centered the room. On the sideboard rested pictures of Kathryn's family, and amongst them a large picture of the entire Voyager crew that was taken when they returned to Earth. Chakotay got up and looked at it. He smiled fondly at the memories it evoked. He was standing directly behind Kathryn with Tuvok and the rest of the senior crew. He was standing a fair distance away from Seven, and he was thankful for that.

"Replicated," Kathryn said as she entered the room. "It was my salvation for seven years. When we got back, I just couldn't get used to the real McCoy."

Chakotay turned to her and took the coffee. "Old habits die hard, eh?"

"They certainly do. And to think my future self told me I gave up the stuff? Never!"

Chakotay smiled. "So, how have you been?"

Kathryn lowered her eyes and walked over to the couch. He knew those actions too well, and knew her next words would be 'I'm fine' when really she wasn't.

"I'm fine. More important, how have you been? Come sit, tell about your adventures."

Chakotay went over to the couch and sat beside her. "I think I told you more than enough in my letters."

"Hardly. I want to hear more about what you're doing, what you will be doing."

"More of the same. Excavation is a slow process." He took a sip of his coffee. "I want to hear about what you've been up to. You've hardly told me anything in your letters."

"Oh," she said, sitting back against the couch. "Nothing exciting. Being a Starfleet Admiral isn't half as glamorous as a being a Captain, even if I can pull rank more often."

"I've been worried about you. B'Elanna tells me you've been keeping very much to yourself for the past few months."

"I've been busy."

"Is that all?"

Kathryn put down her coffee. "Yes." She then looked up at him, a slight trace of annoyance in her voice. "Is that why you're here, to check up on me?"

"No," he said, not entirely truthfully. "I'm here because I wanted to see you. I've missed you."

Kathryn's eyes misted over. "I've missed you too."

They gazed deep into each others eyes until Kathryn looked away. "I was sorry to hear about you and Seven."

"It was never going to work. I know in some future, some where, some time, it did work, just as perhaps in some future, some time, so did your relationship with Mark or with someone else. But in this reality, in my reality, it was never going to work. She felt it too. She had only ever known Voyager and the Collective and now she had this whole new existence to explore." He paused. "It's you I love, Kathryn. And I know I always will love you. I have to be honest with myself... and with you."

Kathryn got up slowly and went over to the window.

"It hurt so much to see you with Seven," she said quietly. "I know I always kept you at a distance, encouraged you to move on, but when my future self told me about you and Seven ... it really broke my heart."

Chakotay looked up at her. She had her back to him and that made it easier to say what he needed to.

"While we were Captain and Officer there were so many barriers we couldn't cross. But now... I need to know if there's any hope for us."

"I would like there to be," Kathryn replied. "I really would. But I've changed so much over the past eight years... I can hardly remember the woman I was before we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant. For everyone else it just happened. The Caretaker pulled us there and I destroyed the array to protect the Ocampa. They were victims of circumstance and could accept the situation, make Voyager their home. But I wasn't the victim, I was the cause. It was my fault Voyager was stranded in the Delta Quadrant and the guilt ... the guilt was unbearable."

Chakotay got up and went over to her. "It wasn't your fault, Kathryn. The array had to be destroyed."

Kathryn nodded. "But for years I tortured myself about other ways of achieving that... leaving Neelix with weapons to destroy it, staying behind on my own to destroy it ... anything."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder, turning her to him. "We were under attack. There was no time to think of alternatives."

"But plenty of time afterwards." Tears welled in her eyes. "I thought of all those we had lost along the way ... young people like Lindsay Ballad who had their whole lives ahead of them ... all dead because of the decision I made. I thought of all those separated from their loved ones, children who grew up not knowing their mother or their father, little Naomi having to spend her childhood on a starship constantly under attack. Sometimes I wished I was dead because I couldn't live with the guilt. All these lives ruined because of me. And then there was the responsibility ... all these people depending on me to get them home. Day after day it would press on me and all the time it would get heavier ... and heavier ... and always a new guilt... I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up ... wanted to go on an away mission and never come back ... But I had to go on living ... You made sure of that. Always you would stop me from doing something reckless... and I hated you for it, Chakotay." Her voice cracked with emotion. "And I hated you for loving me ... it was just another guilt ... something else to torture myself over. Guilt over Mark in the early years, a feeling that to care for you was to betray him, even though I knew he would have moved on with his life. I couldn't face up to my feelings about you, couldn't let myself ... I had no right to be happy. I had to suffer for stranding Voyager ... punish myself. I knew it was punishing you too. I saw your suffering and that was just something else to feel guilty about."

Chakotay took her trembling hands in his. "I knew you were suffering, Kathryn. That's why after New Earth I never again told you how I felt about you. I didn't want to burden you anymore than you felt burdened already. I didn't know what you felt for me, don't think you knew yourself. But I did know that what you needed more than anything was a friend. My feelings were my problem, not yours. I loved you, and like anyone who loves, I wanted you to return my feelings. But I knew that our circumstance would make a relationship difficult, even without the principles you held so dear. So, for both our sakes, I tried to move on ... stop caring. But you can't just stop loving someone. I tried ... God knows how I tried... even convinced myself that I had sometimes..." He touched her face, wiped away her tear. "And I knew you were hurting. I watched you change from a loving affectionate woman into a woman who withdrew far too much into herself. I wanted to take away your pain, Kathryn. I just didn't know how."

"You did take away a lot of it, Chakotay. Sometimes I would hurt so much inside that I just wanted to scream... but instead I would take out my frustration on you... I would rant and rave at you and all the time you would just stand there listening ... And I knew you would, that's why I ... I knew I was safe ... knew you would never hurt me. But sometimes all I wanted was for you to take control... wanted you to take me in your arms and tell me everything was alright."

"And you don't know how many times I wanted to, Kathryn. But you made the physical boundaries between us quite clear and I had to respect that." He lifted her face with his fingers. "But I'm worried about you, Kathryn ... about all this guilt you harbor. I think you need to see someone ... to talk..."

Kathryn smiled softly. "Don't worry. The Counseling sessions we were obliged to attend after we got back... I put mine off for weeks, but after spending only half an hour with me, the Counselor signed me up for the next six months..."

Chakotay forced a smile.

"I'm still seeing her. She's helped me a lot. I don't feel the guilt any more ... not as much."

"You shouldn't feel any. All you should feel is pride. It took tremendous courage to destroy the array, a courage not many people would have had. You should be proud of all that you accomplished in the Delta Quadrant; the lives you saved, the lives you helped change for the better." He paused. "I don't regret those seven years for a moment, Kathryn. I'm so glad we got stranded and I'm so glad that you came into my life."

Tearfully, Kathryn leant her head against his shoulder and he held her tight. "And I'm glad you came into mine," she whispered. "I love you, Chakotay. I want you to know that."

Chakotay smiled and drew her away from him, holding her head between his hands, his dark eyes twinkling. "I thought you loved Michael Sullivan."

Kathryn laughed softly at the memory of him. "Perhaps I did for a while ... perhaps I wanted to ... I was so lonely."

Chakotay's hands wandered to her shoulders and then wrapped around her again. "So was I. I think that's why Seven and I ... You were more distant with me than ever after Neelix left to rejoin his people, and Seven and I spent a lot of time in each other's company. I had only ever seen her as a Borg, not as a person. I had never got to know her in the way you did, never appreciated her struggles, the tragedy that made her a drone. I could have helped her a lot in the early days if I had only taken the time."

"Yes. But we all could have done things differently." She paused. "As much as it hurt when I found out about you both, I was glad that she had someone like you. She's a very beautiful young woman and I was afraid that men would take advantage of her, want her for all the wrong reasons. But not you. I knew that you were interested in her for who she was."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes and his voice was barely a whisper. "But she wasn't you, Kathryn."

Kathryn touched his face and her fingers wandered to his tattoo. She traced the course of it softly until he took her hand and kissed it.

"I want us to be together, Kathryn. We're meant to be together."

Kathryn held his hand in hers. "What of your expedition?"

"I'll resign from it."

"No, Chakotay ... All your life you've..."

He put a gentle finger to her lips. "Nothing matters to me but you."

They gazed deep into each other's eyes and slowly, slowly, drew together until their lips touched in a soft kiss. Kathryn slipped her arms around his neck as the kiss deepened and a stray tear rolled down her cheek.

Then they held each other close until Kathryn laughed softly and drew away from him.

Chakotay watched her in amusement. "What is it?"

"You, me, us..." she laughed. "Who would have thought eight years ago we'd end up this way?"

"Captain Kathryn Janeway," he smiled, "Starfleet's secret weapon against the Maquis. I was terrified of you."

"Really?"

"Completely ruthless and death defiantly brave."

"And your opinion now?"

"Completely ruthless and death defiantly brave." He smiled, but then he fell serious. "I think you're the most amazing person I've ever met."

Kathryn gazed again into his eyes. "Ditto."

Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek and then smiled coyly, his cheeks flushing. "This is going to sound really precipitous, and I can hardly believe I'm thinking it, let alone asking, but ... will you marry me, Kathryn?"

Tears of joy welled in Kathryn's eyes and it took her a moment to answer. "I hardly think eight years is precipitous, Chakotay. Of course I'll marry you."

He drew her close, holding her tight.

"But I want a short engagement ... a very short engagement." After losing Justin and Mark, she was taking no chances this time.

"Just name the time and the place and I'll be there."

"There's only one possible place," she smiled. "Voyager. I'll speak to the curator, arrange it for next month." She kissed his cheek and then whispered seductively in his ear. "And while the guests are eating in the Mess Hall, I'll show you what I was really thinking about when we conferred in my Ready Room."

Chakotay chuckled. "Care to give me a clue?"

Kathryn smiled and put her mouth to his.

**The End**


End file.
